0 Pursuit of Perfection

Perfectionism can be debilitating. We know that extreme pursuit of "perfection" is associated with body image issues, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and depression. Whether it is associated with ADHD, autistic traits, or something else, I have an impulse towards perfectionism.

Parents and educators know that autistic children often insist on perfect order. There is a desire to have a perfect schedule. There are also forms of perfectionism among autistics. I've met autistic adults unable to tolerate the slightest factual errors relating to their special interests. There is a desire for accuracy, clarity, and completeness. Anything less causes emotional, and physical, anxiety. I dislike factual errors intensely.

Being a perfectionist and being a teacher can conflict. Grading papers can descend into a "sand trap" where I want to correct every error. Students would never read or recall all the comments I would make on papers given sufficient time. Yet, that is a minor complication.

Perfectionism can cause an emotional and intellectual paralysis, or it can lead to an obsessive attempt to correct flaws. Either response consumes time and energy, often with minimal benefits.

We admire Amish craftsmen willing to spend hours refining woodwork. We appreciate the chef demanding perfection of her recipes and plating. There's something very human about admiring the men and women who do achieve near-perfection in any area. But, most of us are much further from that perfection we admire.

A serious problem for me is that I want everyday projects to be perfect.

I want no flaws in the woodwork, the flooring, or the paint in our house. I still hate the flaws from our renovations in Minneapolis. Our new house has flaws I want to fix because they bother me so deeply. Minor imperfections in painting are the most troubling, for some reason. I hate the mistakes and wish we could get edges and corners perfectly straight and true.

This is a good reason to seek out materials and textures with irregularities — then the "flaws" aren't flaws at all.

I am going to spend hours fixing some flaws in our house. Last night, I couldn't stop obsessing about the need for a perfect surface for a projection screen. The instructions state that the wall must be "perfectly smooth" before applying the special paint. Perfection won't be possible, but I'll spend hours trying to smooth the surface because I want the screen to be right.

The overload I experience from my unfinished to-do list is a symptom of the desire to be perfect when it comes to productivity. I know not every minute of the day can be productive, yet it bothers me that I don't produce the amount of work I consider ideal. Why can't I do more with each day? It must be because my time is imperfectly used. Realistically, there is no way to accomplish what I expect of myself… and that frustrates me.

Some people suggest that aiming for perfectionism can clear the mind. Maybe it can, but only if you also accept that it isn't attainable.

Detail: Pursuit of Perfection

0 Not Caring versus Not Obsessed

I would be lying if I made any claim to understanding the people for whom a particular trait or set of traits is an obsession. I do not relate, and I cannot "put myself in X's shoes" to comprehend such views of one's self.

When an autistic self-advocate wrote to me that I didn't take autism seriously enough (that's a paraphrase), I wasn't sure how to respond. I believe my wife would say I take everything too seriously, and that's the problem.

The next question, and maybe this is the revealing one, was: Why don't I tell my coworkers, students, and others that I am a diagnosed autistic?

It doesn't seem like that would help anything. In fact, I could see it causing problems. Plus, "autistic" isn't a label with which I was raised and it isn't a label I consider that often.

Actively being an "Authentic Autistic Advocate" (some sort of service mark or trademark must apply) would be distracting. I'm already busy being a professor, a writer, and a programmer. You also want me to focus on being something else?

If anything, I struggle with being "too many things" instead of one or two things, which seems to be the expectation.

Professionally, I don't know what I am. I love creative writing, I enjoy teaching, and I am a decent computer geek (though my skills are currently out-of-date). If I could study typography, graphic design, art history, economics, philosophy, comparative religion, fashion design, film production, music, physics, geology, biology, cooking… I'd study it all. There isn't enough time in the day to read everything I want to read and learn. I don't have time to practice the skills I wish I could master. And, obviously, I lack the focus to select one thing, one discipline, to master above all others.

My dream as a writer remains the ultimate trifecta: a Tony for best play, a New York Times bestseller, and an Academy Award nomination for a screenplay. Now, that would be amazing. Unlikely, but that's the nature of dreams.

As a geek? I'd just like to spend some time coding a few little iOS apps my wife and I would use. I haven't had time to master Objective-C and the Cocoa frameworks. I'd like to attend one of the Big Nerd Ranch bootcamps, but I'm too busy. I'll simply need to set some time aside to code.

As a hobby artist, I'd like to learn more about painting so I could actually hang my artwork in my office and not be embarrassed.

My ideal lunch with someone famous? Professor Michio Kaku. Could I also ask Neil Gaiman along? Oh, and maybe Yo-Yo Ma could join us. Imagine that trio of brilliant people talking about the role of knowledge and curiosity in creativity.

I'm sure the point is clear: I am too scattered to focus.

It is not that I don't care about being an autistic advocate. I simply happen to believe that doing well and succeeding is something of an advocacy for myself and others. If I can succeed, that's a sign that others can, too, in their own ways.

I have to focus on my projects to complete them and to succeed. I cannot dwell on what is different about me. If I start reminding myself what I cannot do, I will become paralyzed, emotionally as well as physically. It's odd, but when I remember my right arm doesn't quite work properly is when I have the most trouble with the arm and hand. I do best when I ignore my limitations.

Writing The Autistic Me is useful because it does remind me that I have odd limits. I worried tonight that the restaurant noises, especially some children running about the tables, would force us to leave. I worried while shopping that I might not be able to handle the lights, which were flickering in a snowstorm. But, knowing my limits doesn't mean embracing them. I want to learn the limits to work around them, and then ignore them.

Once I ignore my limits, I can focus on being all those other things I love being.

Detail: Not Caring versus Not Obsessed

0 Distracted by Everything

I get distracted easily. While I prefer to think of it as a curious mind eager to learn, the truth is that I end up following tangents that consume hours.

I'll be reading something for work and encounter some little factoid that demands exploration. The next thing I know, an hour has been lost to reading about the history of Amish quilt designs. There's nothing too obscure or too mundane; every bit of information leads to a dozen more bits.

My wife and I share a passion for information and often watch History, Discovery, Science, and the other educational cable networks. While watching, I'll sit with my laptop and search for the sources they cite. My wife will do the same, especially while watching the Food Network.

It isn't a problem to follow tangents while watching television or reading for enjoyment. It is a problem when you can't resist the tangents while working. And… I can seldom resist.

The mix of Google Bookmarks, Safari's Reading List, and the wonderful "Save As Webarchive" feature have allowed me to save some articles for later reading, but it is still difficult to set something aside for later. I have a folder on my each of my computer systems named "Research" with more than a dozen categories within that folder. At the moment, there are 1,175 items in the folders (1.12 gigabytes of data). There's more, but those files are in other research folders for current projects.

This weekend, I'm working on a report for the university. The research leads me in dozens of different directions. Inevitably, I spend an hour here and an hour there off on those tangents. While working on a proposal for writing courses, I find myself reading about online education, the psychology of writers, and trends in technical communication.

Instead of skimming university course catalogs, I end up reading the detailed course descriptions and visiting writing program websites. The courses sound so interesting, I am compelled to read the syllabi and then research yet more. The right approach is to skim, take notes, and move on with my work. But, I love information.

A class on medical rhetoric? Of course I'm going to save the reading list and start researching the topic. Oh, and who wouldn't be interested in the rhetoric of physics? Yes, there is such a thing. As a fan of the Science Channel and Prof. Michio Kaku, how could I not wonder what the reading list for a course called "The Rhetoric of Physics" includes? Science is a series of ongoing debates.

Maybe you can understand my problem. There's so much information out there, so much knowledge to attempt to grasp, and I want to learn everything.

Even as I write this, I'm pondering a half-dozen or more things I'd like to research about research tools. Which web bookmarking tools are best? What's the best way to grab articles for later reading? Is my research properly organized?

At least my wife loves learning as much as I do. She's also compulsive at organizing data and information.

Detail: Distracted by Everything